


i know i should be angry (but i can barely feel a fucking thing)

by davidpatricks



Series: David and Patrick: Disaster Dads [7]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Childhood Trauma, Drug Use, Gen, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recreational Drug Use, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:47:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21566323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/davidpatricks/pseuds/davidpatricks
Summary: Eloise deals with her traumatic past in ways that are all too familiar to David.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Series: David and Patrick: Disaster Dads [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1362238
Comments: 33
Kudos: 97





	1. i need an ally to guard the night time

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! So I'm a fucking boring person and don't do drugs or anything so uhh if this is terrible I'm sorry. This story mostly deals with the fallout surrounding Eloise's self-destructive behaviour and David's reaction to seeing her spiral. Please heed the warnings in the tags!
> 
> fic title from "feel something" by bea miller
> 
> chapter 1 title from "Enemy Fire" by bea miller

It’s not that Eloise doesn’t have friends. She does—the problem is that none of them live in Schitt’s Creek. Eloise’s friends from hockey were all from Pine Glen, an affluent suburb just outside Elmdale. Eloise had been playing in the Pine Glen rep league for around four years now, which meant her dads drove an hour each way three times a week to get her to practice. The team had become her second family, and she had no trouble fitting in with her hockey friends. The kids at Schitt’s Creek High School were another story. 

With her hockey team, they had all started out on equal ground when they tried out, and Eloise had a place from the beginning. The kids at school, on the other hand, had known each other practically all their lives by the time Eloise joined them in grade two. At first, it didn’t bother Eloise that the other kids kept their distance. In fact, she preferred it that way. But as the years went on and Eloise came out of her shell, her attempts to join her peers were rejected. 

Before joining the Pine Glen Comets, Eloise’s social life was essentially non-existent. Now, though, her phone was blowing up with texts from her teammates, asking if she was coming out to Mackenzie’s party later that night. 

Eloise stuck her head out of her bedroom door and called down the hall to her dads. “Can I hang out at Mackenzie’s tonight? Olivia’s mom can drive me home after!”

“Sure, Ells, I’ll drive you over after dinner,” her dad replied. Eloise grinned and texted the good news to the team group chat. 

After her dad drove away, Eloise went around to the side door and slipped inside, taking the stairs down to Mackenzie’s basement. Andrew, their goalie, met her with an enthusiastic grin and a vodka cooler, which he pressed into her hand. 

“Hey, Eloise,” Mackenzie called as she bounded over to her.

"Hey, Kenz!" Eloise replied with a smile, giving her a quick hug. Mackenzie was one of those people with a seemingly unlimited energy supply. She thrived in a crowd, fortified by the chaos and excitement. It was one of the things that made her a good hockey player — she was a total powerhouse both on the ice and off. She chatted with Mackenzie for a moment before she went off to greet some more of their teammates, and Eloise headed into the den to join everybody else.

Eloise bit down on her lip gently when she spotted a baggie of weed on the coffee table, knowing she’d most likely be offered some at some point tonight. Normally, she’d only drink at these parties—the smell of weed made her stomach turn, distant memories of her mother smoking in their apartment drifting into her mind uninvited. Tonight, however, the sting she normally felt when she thought of her mom wasn’t there. Instead, there was a pang of emptiness in the pit of her stomach. She shrugged and sat on the couch next to Andrew, cracking open her cooler and taking a long swig. 

As she’d predicted, she was invited to go smoke up outside with a couple of friends, and for the first time in her life, she accepted. 

***

It was nearing 3 am when David’s phone started buzzing on his bedside table. He groped blindly for it, face still buried in his pillow. 

“What?!” he grumbled into the phone when he answered it.

“Abba, I- I need...I need a ride home,” Eloise sobbed into the phone, and David flinched at the far-too-loud music blaring in the background. 

“I thought you were getting a ride home with Olivia?” Patrick had started stirring at the sound of David’s voice, and now he was propped up on his elbow, hair flattened on one side, brow furrowed in confusion. David would’ve found it cute if he wasn’t so worried. 

“I don’t know when Olivia left, but she did and I don’t wanna be here anymore!” Eloise inhaled sharply and David made himself get up and pull on a pair of jeans and an old hoodie of Patrick’s, not bothering with selecting something from his own wardrobe. “Ells, honey, calm down. Do one of your breathing...things, alright? I’ll be right there.”

Eloise ended the call, and Patrick sat up. “What’s wrong? Where’s Eloise?” he asked his husband. 

“Still at that party, I think. She sounds pretty wasted.”

Patrick’s eyebrows shot up. “She sounds _what_?!” he exclaimed, and David shushed him. “Patrick, you’ll wake Mariah. She’s a teenager at a party, don’t tell me you didn’t see this coming,” David said matter-of-factly. Patrick looked horrified.

“Of course not! I thought our daughter had more sense than this!” Patrick shook his head. “Just...call me when you pick her up, ok?”

David nodded. “Of course I will.”

David pulled up to Mackenzie’s house and texted Eloise to tell her he’d arrived. She emerged from the house a few minutes later and stumbled to the car, clambering into the passenger seat. 

“Hey, Abba,” she said, fumbling with her seatbelt.

“Really? ‘Hey Abba’ is all you’ve got to say for yourself?!” David cringed inwardly. When did he become such a _dad_?

“What did you take?” he asked seriously as he pulled away from the curb. 

“I, uh, drank a bunch of vodka coolers then...smoked some weed with some kids,” Eloise said, leaning her head against the car window and closing her eyes, willing herself not to be sick to her stomach.   
David raised an eyebrow. “That’s all? You can tell me if you took something else, honey. It’s important to know in case you have a bad reaction.” Memories of all the overdoses he’d witnessed over the years flashed through his mind—all the times he’d seen people lie to the paramedics about what they were on, only to be given an incorrect dose or the wrong medication altogether. He didn’t always find out whether or not these loose acquaintances had made it out okay. One or two, however, hadn’t made it at all. He couldn’t bear the thought of Eloise in that situation. 

“No, that was it, promise,” she replied, eyes still squeezed shut. 

“Okay,” David said. He had never been more happy to see that god awful town sign than he was in this moment because in this instance the sign meant they were almost home. He sped through the last few kilometres until he reached their house. After parking in the driveway, David got out of the car and went around to the passenger side. Opening the door carefully, David leaned in and unbuckled Eloise’s seatbelt for her before helping the half-conscious teenager out of the car. 

After a couple of wobbly steps with David practically holding her up, it became painfully clear that Eloise wasn’t going to be able to make it up to the door. With a sigh, David lifted his daughter into his arms. He carried her to the door and luckily, Patrick had waited up for them and he opened the front door for them. David awkwardly carried her over to the living room and sat her down on the couch. Patrick followed, a horrified look on his face at the sight of Eloise this inebriated. 

“How are you feeling, Ells?” David asked calmly, reaching out and stroking her hair.

“Sick,” she said softly. Patrick grabbed an empty wastebasket and brought it to Eloise. 

“Here, honey, use this if you need to throw up,” he said. 

Instead of throwing up, Eloise began to cry. David rubbed her back, shushing her softly. “Shh, I know. I know, Eloise, just let it out. It's alright.” They sat like that for close to an hour, until the first rays of morning sunlight filtered in through the window. Eloise’s cries had finally come to a stop, and Patrick gently guided her to her feet. 

“Come on, let’s get you to bed. We’ll talk about all this when you wake up.” Patrick helped Eloise up to her room and into her bed, still in the clothes she wore to the party, and she was asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. 


	2. i'm living on the verge of a panic (and I gotta find a way to break)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from "Repercussions" by bea miller

Far too soon for her liking, Eloise awoke to the sound of someone knocking on her bedroom door.

“Whaaaaat?” she groaned out, wincing at the pang of pain that ripped through her head. 

“Eloise, it’s nearly 2 pm, time to get up. Don’t wanna totally screw up your sleep schedule.” Patrick called softly. 

“Don’t wanna…” she grumbled but forced herself to get out of bed anyway. “I’ll be out in a minute,” she said.

“Okay, I’ll make you something to eat,” Patrick replied, footsteps echoing as he headed to the kitchen. Eloise sighed, peeling off her outfit from the night before. Her shirt reeked of weed and the sickly-sweet vodka cooler she’d spilled on herself at some point. She threw the clothes in her hamper and pulled on a pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt. She trudged down the hall and sat at the kitchen table. 

“How are you feeling, pumpkin?” Patrick asked, setting a cup of tea and a plate of toast in front of her. 

“Like I’m gonna die,” she groaned, tilting her head back slightly and closing her eyes. Patrick frowned, leaning down and giving her forehead a quick kiss as he passed by. 

“Last night was rough, huh?” Eloise nodded, taking a small sip of her tea. “Well, lucky for you, it’s Saturday, so you’ve got some time to recover before school on Monday.” She nodded again, picking up a piece of toast and nibbling the corner.

The front door swung open and Mariah barrelled in, kicking her shoes off carelessly as she chattered away to David, who was right behind her. 

Eloise stood slowly and walked into the foyer. Guilt washed over her as soon as she saw David. He looked exhausted, with dark circles under his eyes and unusually messy hair. It was clear that he had barely slept—if he’d even slept at all—but he’d still gotten up and taken Mariah to dance class, as usual. 

Her little sister bounded up to her, stray pieces of hair falling out of her ballerina bun. “Eloise, do you feel better now? Abba said you and him were sick today,” Mariah asked, hugging one of Eloise’s legs. 

“I’m...I’m a little better, but still not feeling great,” she replied, eyes flickering up to meet David’s in a brief, knowing glance. 

“Can you come play dolls with me? Abba can’t cause he wants to go take a nap.”

“Uhh...maybe later, Mariah, ok? I don’t really feel up to it right now.” The younger girl frowned, letting go of Eloise’s leg.

“Oh...okay,” she said with a slight pout, turning and walking to her bedroom, shutting her door forcefully behind her. Eloise flinched at the sound. 

David picked up Mariah’s shoes and set them aside neatly before walking over to his eldest daughter, placing a hand on her shoulder. “You look how Alexis used to after one of her benders in some country with lax drug laws and an abundance of dealers. Do you remember what happened last night?”

“Kinda...it’s just bits and pieces, you know?” David nodded. He most certainly  _ did _ know the feeling of waking up with only vague recollections of the night before. He was just relieved to see his daughter up and about. 

“Well, it could have been worse. Dad was pretty surprised you got high…” he raised an eyebrow, leaving a silent invitation for her to elaborate. She just shrugged, picking nervously at her cuticles and not meeting her father’s gaze. David sighed softly. 

“Alright, let’s go see if we can sort out whatever you did to your hair. Seriously, it’s like one giant knot,” David said with a frown, reaching out and touching her hair.

“Stop, Abba, it’s not that bad,” Eloise protested, batting his hand away. 

“It’s impressively bad, like, it basically defies physics. I should probably just chop it off, go get your dad’s garden shears and get rid of the whole thing,” David teased, walking towards his bathroom to retrieve his haircare arsenal.

“ _ Stop _ , you’re not funny! I’ll deal with it, just leave me alone!” Eloise exclaimed, storming off to her room and shutting the door. David was taken aback — Eloise normally laughed when he joked around like this. His gaze lingered on her closed bedroom door before he turned and headed into the master bedroom to take a much-needed nap. 


	3. my body and mind are so distant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A late-night confrontation leaves David with more worries and drives a larger wedge between himself and Eloise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "I Can't Breathe" by bea miller

Eloise grew more distant and irritable in the weeks that followed Mackenzie’s party. Patrick attributed it to a combination of stress and teenage malaise, but David couldn’t shake the feeling that something else was going on. One night, he woke to the sound of clattering dishes followed by breaking glass. Worried that Mariah had climbed up on the counter in an attempt to find David’s secret junk food stash, he sprang out of bed and rushed into the kitchen. Instead of Mariah, he found Eloise, attempting to pick shards of broken glass up off the floor. 

  
“What the hell are you doing, Eloise? You’re going to cut your hands, use a dustpan!” David said, squinting as his eyes adjusted to the light in the kitchen.

“Right…’m sorry I woke you up, Abba, I jus’ wanted some water,” Eloise slurred, “I was sleepin’ but then I got thirsty, so…”

David frowned at her unconvincing over-explanation. Now that he was more awake, he was able to take in Eloise’s appearance. She clearly hadn’t been in bed like she’d claimed — she was dressed in high-waisted shorts, a crop top, and a denim jacket adorned with fabric patches and enamel pins. She was still wearing her sneakers, which made David cringe because Patrick had just cleaned the kitchen floor earlier that day. He looked at her eyes and as he suspected, her pupils were dilated. Grabbing a broom and dustpan, he took over cleaning up the broken glass. 

“Go get a _plastic cup_ and drink some water,” he instructed through clenched teeth, and Eloise did so. As she brought the cup to her lips, some water spilled down her chin and onto her shirt.

“Fuck!” she shouted and David’s head snapped up to look at her. 

“Shh, don’t wake Dad and Mariah!” He reprimanded in a stage whisper. Eloise left her empty cup in the sink and walked unsteadily towards her room, but David stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. 

“Uh-uh, you’re not going anywhere until you tell me where the hell you were tonight.” Eloise rolled her eyes and jerked away from her father’s touch. She crossed her arms, staring him down defiantly.

“Eloise Grace,” David said in a warning tone, “you have five seconds to tell me where you were.”

“I was at Olivia’s house,” she said with a huff.

“Mmkay, her parents are gonna be getting a call in the morning.”

“No, don’t do that! God, Abba, it’s like you want me to have no friends!”

“I don’t want you hanging out with friends who get you this wasted! I’ve had those friends — hell, I’ve _been_ that friend — and that’s not the kind of life I want for you! You deserve so much better than this.”

“I’m not a fucking baby, I can be friends with whoever I want!”

“No, you can’t! Go to your room and go to sleep, you have rehearsal in the morning.”

“For the millionth time, it’s not ‘ _rehearsal’,_ it’s HOCKEY PRACTICE! Why are you so fucking _stupid,_ Abba?!” She spat viciously before stumbling down the hall to her room.

David was stunned. Eloise had never spoken to him like that before. A strange blend of anger, embarrassment, and fear washed over him, and he couldn’t bring himself to go back to bed. Instead, he went to Mariah’s room and stood in the doorway for a few minutes, watching her chest rise and fall as she slept. 

“At least you still like me,” he murmured, crossing the room and leaning down to press a soft kiss to her cheek. After lingering there for a moment, David left his youngest daughter’s bedroom and went back to his own. He slipped back into bed as quietly as he could, cuddling up close to his husband and letting a few tears roll down his face before he finally managed to fall asleep.


	4. give me something i can hold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David spends Sunday morning with Mariah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some David and Mariah fluff as a little respite from the angst. There's a reason Emma calls me Fluff Queen.
> 
> Chapter title from "Buy Me Diamonds" by bea miller

Exhausted from the chaos of the previous night, David slept through the sounds of Patrick getting Eloise up and ready to go to practice. Fortunately for him, it was Sunday, so the store was closed and he could sleep in. Mariah woke up shortly after Patrick and Eloise left for the rink, rubbing her eyes as she walked down the hallway to David and Patrick’s bedroom. She crawled into their bed on Patrick’s side, shaking David’s shoulder insistently.

“Abba? Abba, I’m hungry, will you make me breakfast?” 

David groaned, reluctantly opening his eyes.

“Is cereal ok? Abba doesn’t really feel up to cooking,” he said hoarsely.

“Can you put banana slices in it?” Mariah asked, and David nodded.

“Yeah, _mon petit oiseau_ , I can do that,” he replied, rolling onto his back and opening his arms to her. Mariah dove right in and hugged her father tightly, his arms wrapping around her and squeezing gently. She snuggled close to David, resting her head on his chest. 

“Abba? What’s ‘mon...petty...wazoo’ mean?” she asked, stumbling over the French words. David smiled.

“It’s mon petit oiseau,” he repeated, slowly and clearly, “and it means ‘my little bird’. I call you that because one of your middle names is Wren.” Mariah looked confused, so David clarified further. 

“A wren is a type of bird.” Mariah grinned and David tried not to wince — Mariah had recently lost her first baby tooth, and it creeped him out to look at the space right at the front of her mouth where it once was. He didn’t want Mariah to feel self-conscious, but the whole process of losing teeth was completely abhorrent to him. Patrick was designated tooth fairy in their house, and David was more than happy with that arrangement. 

“That’s pretty. I love my name, I think it’s the prettiest name in the whole world,” the six-year-old mused. David kissed the top of her head.

“Thanks, honey. I’m glad you like it, it took forever for me and Daddy to agree on a name for you.”

“Daddy says you wanted to name me something really weird.”

“Symphony is not a weird name!” David protested, and Mariah giggled. 

“Come on, Abba, I want breakfast!” David sat up and stretched as Mariah hopped off the bed and ran off to the kitchen. He followed, grabbing two bowls and pouring cereal for himself and Mariah, switching the coffee maker on and setting out his favourite mug. True to his word, he sliced up a banana and added it to Mariah’s bowl. They sat at the table together and ate their breakfast, David watching his daughter wistfully.

_‘It’s only a matter of time before she grows up and turns on you, just like Eloise,’_ the little voice in David’s head hissed. _‘She’s going to realize what a shitty parent you are one of these days. Your kids are going to turn out just as spoiled and fucked up as you and Alexis are, and it’ll be your fault.’_ The muscles in David’s jaw tensed, and he tried to shut the unwelcome thoughts out of his mind. The coffee maker beeped, and David got up and poured himself a cup, adding milk and plenty of sugar.

“Why were you and Eloise mad at each other last night?” Mariah asked suddenly, and David nearly choked on his coffee. 

“I--um, did you...what makes you think that?” He sputtered, completely unprepared for this conversation.

“I waked up and heard you guys yelling at each other,” Mariah said, “and I listened at my door for a little while. I don’t know what you were saying but you both sounded really mad.”

“I’m sorry we _woke_ you up, Mariah,” David corrected her grammar gently, “but don’t worry, everything is okay. Totally fine. Under control and definitely normal.”

Mariah’s eyes narrowed. “You’re really bad at lying, Abba.”

David sighed. “Alright, alright. Eloise and I had an argument last night because she came home later than Daddy and I told her to.”

Much to David’s relief, Mariah seemed to find this explanation acceptable, and she finished her cereal without questioning him further. 

The rest of the morning passed rather peacefully. David played barbies with Mariah for a while before she asked David if they could watch Tangled. He set the movie up on the TV and sat next to Mariah on the couch, singing along with her. They became so engrossed in the movie that they didn’t even notice Patrick and Eloise arriving home until Patrick came into the living room and leaned over the back of the couch, kissing David’s shoulder lightly.

“Hey, you two,” Patrick said with a smile. Mariah leapt off the couch and bounded over to Patrick, jumping into his waiting arms and letting him lift her up. 

“Daddy, Daddy, I missed you!”

“I missed you too, jellybean. Were you a good girl for Abba?” Patrick asked, and Mariah nodded. A quick glance at David confirmed it, and he grinned. “That’s my girl.” 

Eloise walked through the living room without acknowledging anyone, hockey bag slung over her shoulder. She looked like she hadn’t slept at all. 

“Hi, honey, how was hockey?” David called to her but didn’t receive an answer. Instead, he heard the loud thud of Eloise’s bedroom door closing behind her.

“Patrick, we need to--”

“--talk about what’s going on with her? Yeah, I was about to say the same thing. Her coach told me her performance has taken a total nosedive lately, and she was super sluggish on the ice today.”

“We’ll talk when you-know-who isn’t around,” David said, and Patrick nodded in agreement.

“Good idea.” 

Patrick sat on the couch with Mariah on his lap, and David rested his head on his husband’s shoulder. He pressed play on the remote, and the movie resumed, recapturing Mariah’s attention. They’d have the difficult conversation later. For now, David tried to enjoy the movie, despite having seen it too many times to count.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know the end of this chapter sucks but it's after 3 am and i just wanted this thing posted ok


	5. i couldn't be left inside a room with me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feeling haunted by her past, Eloise spirals further out of control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends, this one is a doozy, not gonna lie. BIG content warning for drug abuse (marijuana and prescription drugs), and brief descriptions/mentions of child abuse. reader discretion is advised!
> 
> Chapter title from "To the Grave" by bea miller

Eloise sat up in her bed, heart thundering inside her chest, her skin coated in a sheen of sweat. It took close to three minutes for her to realize where she was, her breathing slowing slightly as she took in her surroundings. Her dads hadn’t come to check on her, which meant her screams had been confined to her nightmare, and she let out a shaky sigh of relief. 

Switching her bedside lamp on, she pulled her nightstand drawer open and dug around until she found a small box that had once contained a hideous charm bracelet given to her by Grandpa Johnny. Now it was home to a couple of joints and a lighter. Still shaking from the nightmare, Eloise grabbed a joint and her lighter and crossed the room to her window, opening it and carefully climbing out onto the roof. 

Shivering slightly in the cool night air, Eloise let the smoke fill her lungs and tried to relax. Her thoughts, however, were firmly stuck on the part-flashback, part-nightmare that had woken her. The dream had been so intense, Eloise could’ve sworn it was really happening. She could smell the alcohol on her mother’s breath, feel the too-tight grip around her arm as she was pulled out from her hiding place under the bed, hear the hateful things being screamed at her by the woman who was supposed to be her protector. 

It soon became clear that the weed wasn’t going to be enough to calm her. After climbing back into her room, Eloise wrung her hands and tried to think of another way to relax. Suddenly, a solution came to her. Tiptoeing down the hall, she slipped into her dads’ room and—without waking them—crept into their ensuite bathroom. Using the flashlight on her phone, she quickly located the small orange bottle of Xanax in the medicine cabinet labelled with her abba’s name. She opened the bottle and took two pills out, then put the lid back on and returned the bottle to its proper place. 

Once she was back in her bedroom, Eloise popped the pills into her mouth and swallowed them with a swig from the glass of water on her bedside table. After the first ten minutes or so, Eloise felt like she was floating. The drug relaxed her and seemed to force the negative thoughts out of her mind. The lingering echoes of her mother’s voice grew muffled and indistinct. Finally, Eloise managed to fall asleep, and she stayed asleep for the rest of the night. 

***

The next morning, while her dads were busy getting Mariah ready for school, Eloise snuck back into her dads’ bathroom and took another two pills. She hid them in an empty Tic-Tac box and put the box in her backpack before hurrying out to the car so Patrick could drive her to school.

The next few weeks continued in the same way — smoking weed to relax at night combined with whatever she could scrounge from David’s medicine cabinet. On one memorable night, an attempt to escape family game night at the motel ended up giving Eloise the opportunity to take a selection of “samples” from her Nana’s vast collection of prescription drugs. That night had Eloise feeling better than she’d ever felt before, and she’d slipped easily into a blissful, dreamless sleep. 

The downside, she quickly learned, was the way she felt on days when she hadn’t managed to snag any of David or Moira’s pills. Weed alone was no longer enough to keep her calm, and without the other meds in her system her night terrors worsened. On day three without Xanax, Eloise woke in the middle of the night to her dads and sister all crowded around the side of her bed, looking frightened. Once she was awake, Patrick sat on the edge of the bed and held her hand, explaining that she’d been screaming in her sleep. Once David was satisfied that Eloise was going to be okay, he picked up Mariah and started carrying her back to her own room. Mariah whined in protest, trying to wriggle herself free. 

“Abba, no, I wanna stay with Eloise! I gotta be beside her so she won’t be scared!” David didn’t let go of her, so she began pounding her little fists against his back, yelling “PUT ME DOWN!”

Patrick gave her a stern look.

“Mariah Mae Wren, we do NOT hit,” he reprimanded sharply. “Eloise is a big girl, she’ll be okay. Let Abba take you back to bed.” 

Mariah shook her head, looking over at her older sister. The fear in her eyes made Eloise’s heart ache. 

“Wait, Abba,” she said hoarsely, her mouth suddenly dry. She took a sip of water before continuing. “She can stay if she wants. I don’t mind.” Patrick and David shared an unsure look.

“Well...I guess since it’s Saturday tomorrow, it’s okay.” Patrick’s gaze shifted back to his younger daughter. “Two conditions, Mariah. One: you apologize to Abba for hitting him. And two: if Eloise changes her mind and asks you to go back to your room, you do it. No arguing or complaining. Deal?”

Mariah gave a solemn nod. “Deal.” She leaned back a little to look at David. “I’m sorry I hitted you, Abba. Can I go get my stuffies and my blankie now?”

“Yeah,  _ mon petit oiseau _ , go ahead. Apology accepted,” David said, setting her down and watching her dart off to her room. Patrick leaned over and kissed Eloise’s forehead before standing and moving to join David by the door.

“Try to get some rest, Ells. Love you.” Eloise nodded, just as Mariah came running back into Eloise’s room. Their dads left, and Mariah climbed into her sister’s bed.

“Eloise, I bringed you Big Joe to keep you safe!” she said, thrusting a stuffed gorilla into Eloise’s hands. Mariah had also brought her favourite stuffie (a unicorn named Versace) and her baby blanket. 

A gift from Twyla, Mariah had had the blanket all her life, and she took it practically everywhere. Its lavender-coloured silk binding stood out beautifully against the rest of the blanket, which was a deep purple dotted with silver stars. Mariah’s name was embroidered along one edge in silver thread. It was frayed slightly and a little worn in places, but it was still a gorgeous blanket. Mariah nestled under Eloise’s duvet, clutching her blankie and Versace to her chest, and Eloise laid down beside her after giving Big Joe a respectful pat. Mariah yawned, curling close to Eloise with a concerned expression. Eloise carefully brushed some hair out of her sister’s face.

“What’s wrong, jellybean?” she murmured. 

Mariah pursed her lips in thought before responding. “I miss you,” she said quietly. 

“Miss me? I’m right here.”

“Yeah, but everything’s been so different...you don’t like being a family anymore.”

Eloise paused, willing herself not to cry. “What, um...what do you mean?”

“Well...you don’t wanna play with me anymore, you’re never at home, and you’re always fighting with Abba and Daddy...I think they miss you, too.”

“Oh. It’s...it’s complicated, Mariah, you’ll understand when you get older.”

Mariah frowned, furrowing her eyebrows in a very David-like expression. “I hate when grown-ups say that.”

Eloise sighed heavily. “I don’t know how to explain it to you,” she said, squeezing Mariah’s hand gently, “but it’s nothing you need to worry about, alright?”

Mariah looked unconvinced, but exhaustion overtook her and she let out a yawn. Eloise pulled the covers up a bit higher over her little sister.

“Go to sleep, ‘Riah,” she whispered as the younger girl’s eyes fluttered closed. A sharp pain shot through Eloise’s head, and she winced. She watched as her little sister slept, peacefully, until the first strains of sunlight began filtering into her room. 


	6. there is beauty behind every tear you've cried

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The entire family reaches their emotional limit and a confrontation ensues.
> 
> TW for drug and alcohol abuse, references to past child abuse
> 
> chapter title from "Fire N Gold" by bea miller

Tensions in the Brewer-Rose household were at an all-time high. Eloise was pushing the rest of the family away  _ hard _ , breaking curfew most nights and sneaking out whenever her dads grounded her. David spent most nights wide awake, pacing around the house until Eloise finally came home. Late one night, Patrick stormed into the living room, stopping David in his tracks as he was circling the room anxiously. 

“David, this is ridiculous! She can’t keep doing this without any real consequences,” Patrick said with a huff, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Punishing her will only make things worse!” David protested.

“I’ve had  _ enough _ , David! She’s out of control and it’s hurting the entire family. I hate seeing you like this, waiting up for her all night. At least let me take a couple of shifts staying up, you’re exhausted.”

David shook his head, jaw tensed. “It needs to be me, in case she’s mixed the wrong things or taken too much. I’ve known what to do in those situations since I was fourteen, and I got plenty of practice when Alexis was a teenager.”

Before Patrick could respond, the lock on the front door turned and Eloise slipped into the house, jumping when she looked up and saw both her dads standing in front of her. She bit her lower lip, weighing her options, and decided to run for it. Pushing past David, she bolted for the stairs and darted up to her room without a word. Patrick took a deep breath, doing his best to keep his voice calm and controlled.

“Go to bed, David, she’s home now. You need to get some sleep.”

“But I--”

“ _ Go. _ ”

David opened his mouth to protest but was cut off by a large yawn, and Patrick gave him a pointed look. He turned and headed off to bed, casting a worried glance at Eloise’s closed door as he passed by. Patrick followed him up the stairs but stopped at Eloise’s room, bracing himself before knocking softly.

“Ells, it’s Dad. I’m coming in,” he said, careful not to raise his voice and disrupt Mariah or David’s sleep. When he didn’t get a response, he opened the door and found Eloise halfway out her window, a lighter in her hand and a joint tucked behind her ear. His eyes widened and he crossed the room to her.

“Eloise Grace, get back in here and give me those!” He said sternly, holding out his hand.

She hesitated but climbed back in and shut the window, depositing the lighter and joint into her father’s outstretched hand. Patrick sat on the end of her bed and motioned for her to do the same. Eloise took a reluctant seat as far from Patrick as she could get, up near her headboard. 

“We need to talk about what’s going on with you. Your grades are tanking, your performance on the ice is suffering...this isn’t who you are, Eloise. Abba has been up every single night waiting for you, worrying himself sick over you. Seeing you like this is  _ killing _ him, Eloise, and we’re scared that you’re losing control. I just want to help you with whatever’s bothering you, sweetheart. Please talk to me.”

A long, uncomfortable silence followed as Eloise stared down at her lap, avoiding Patrick’s gaze. Finally, without looking up, she spoke.

“I needed a distraction,” she said quietly.

“A distraction? From what?”

Eloise hesitated, hugging her knees to her chest.

“I can’t stop thinking about my mom.” She took a shaky breath, her voice barely audible. “I can’t help but think I must’ve done something to make her hate me so much, to make her so  _ angry _ all the time. And whenever I think about it, it hurts  _ so much _ . When I smoke, or drink, or do...other stuff, it dulls the pain a little. At least enough for me to get through the day without falling apart.”

Any anger Patrick was feeling immediately melted away, and he opened his arms to his daughter. 

“Eloise, honey...c’mere,” he choked out, on the verge of tears. Eloise looked up and her lower lip wobbled for a moment before she launched herself forward into his embrace, face buried in his shoulder as she started to cry. Patrick held her close, rubbing her back in small circles, a few tears of his own escaping and rolling down his face. 

“I don’t wanna turn out like her,” Eloise said, her voice breaking. 

“Hey, hey, listen. Take a deep breath and listen to what I’m saying, ok? You are not your mother, Eloise. You are a bright, talented, and incredibly caring young woman, with a family that loves you more than anything in the whole world. If you let alcohol and drugs take over your life the way she did, it’s just going to make things worse. We’re gonna help you get through this, Ells.” Patrick said in a soothing voice, carding his fingers through her hair. They fell into a comfortable silence, Eloise’s shaky sobs the only sound in the room. She slowly began to calm down, letting Patrick’s arms steady her. 

Once her breathing had returned to normal, interspersed with soft sniffles, Patrick pulled back to look at her. 

“Honey, what have you been taking besides alcohol and pot? You kind of glossed over that earlier, but it’s important to know, ok?”

Eloise bit her lip, reluctant to answer. Her voice came out hoarse when she eventually spoke.

“Um...Abba’s xanax and whatever I could grab from Nana’s pill stash without her noticing.”

“Jesus…” Patrick whispered to himself. “Okay, well, we’ll have to go to your doctor and ask about how to wean you off safely.”

“You’re not going to send me to, like, rehab or something, right?!” Eloise asked, a panicked look crossing her face. Patrick sighed.

“I don’t  _ want _ to have to do that, but I can’t make any promises. We’ll talk to Abba and your doctor and figure out the best way to go about this, alright?” Patrick pressed a gentle kiss to Eloise’s forehead, trying to reassure her that she was in no danger of being sent away forever. Eloise, however, only grew more agitated. 

“I won’t go, and you can’t make me,” she said tensely, anger flashing in her eyes. “I’ll...I’ll run away! I’ll run away and you’ll never see me again, I mean it.”

“Eloise, I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I’m not going to make a promise I can’t keep. When was the last time I broke a promise to you, hm?” He replied calmly, backing off and giving Eloise some space. 

“...I can’t think of any,” she answered begrudgingly, “but there’s a first time for everything.”

Patrick sighed. “I need you to trust me on this. Let me and Abba help you through this, that’s what parents are  _ for _ . We’ve always been there for you, ever since the day we met you, and that’s never going to change.”

Eloise considered what he was saying. More than anything, she was  _ tired _ . Tired of sneaking around, tired of needing to get high every day, tired of trying to deal with her trauma on her own. 

“Okay. But I really,  _ really _ don’t want to be away from home, ok?”

“I know. And I’ll do my best to prevent that from happening. It’s late, let’s get some sleep and talk tomorrow.” Eloise nodded in agreement, and Patrick crossed the room and stood in her doorway.

“Night, Dad.”

“Goodnight, Eloise. I’m really glad you told me what was bothering you, I know it wasn’t easy. I love you so much, sweetheart.” He gently closed her door behind him and let out a shaky breath, pausing to compose himself before heading off to bed.


End file.
